Although I'm an extremely funny and creative person, occasionally a genius comes along who gives me a run for my money. My friend Greg is one of those people. Aside from being the only Bolivian-American I know, he is incredibly intelligent and an excellent writer. Recently, he has been posting short articles in the satirical style of "The Onion," a comedic news source that everyone should read more often. Without further ado (that's a funny word. Ado. Adew Adeu. Adio), here are his collected works to date
BURKINA FASO, WA — A sloppily dressed hot season stumbled
in today in a parade-like fashion. This procrastinating Generation-Y-like hot
season came in after the timely harmaton winds, insisting that it was "too
busy snap chatting" it's recent ex The Eastern Coast ice storm who just
decided to "let it go" and "build a snowman" instead of
staying together. It's entry was hailed by the electric sounds of cicadas, kept
in beat with the sound of drying water reserves, and scurrying lizards. The
procession was attended by 100% of the country.
Several fans and bystanders fainted beneath the undeniable presence of this "hot" celebrity. Awa Koulibali accurately stated "It's hot-de!"
A round of clicking was heard as she finished this accurate statement.
Still, the reception of hot season was not a warm one on behalf of everybody. Adherents of the cold weather/palu guild were defiantly wearing down jackets and ear muffs in an attempt to keep the fad of cool season alive. Pascal Dayo stated: "being hot is a state of mind, except for the foreigner's they aren't used to this. It's not like this in France."
At press time the Hot Season was casually evaporating the recently legalized "water" in the Sahel. It claimed it might go twerking at night, and that if at all possible it would come in like a wrecking ball and stay until it finds meaningful employment elsewhere.
Horatio DelaCruz, The Yngniam
Several fans and bystanders fainted beneath the undeniable presence of this "hot" celebrity. Awa Koulibali accurately stated "It's hot-de!"
A round of clicking was heard as she finished this accurate statement.
Still, the reception of hot season was not a warm one on behalf of everybody. Adherents of the cold weather/palu guild were defiantly wearing down jackets and ear muffs in an attempt to keep the fad of cool season alive. Pascal Dayo stated: "being hot is a state of mind, except for the foreigner's they aren't used to this. It's not like this in France."
At press time the Hot Season was casually evaporating the recently legalized "water" in the Sahel. It claimed it might go twerking at night, and that if at all possible it would come in like a wrecking ball and stay until it finds meaningful employment elsewhere.
Horatio DelaCruz, The Yngniam
DEDOUGOU, BF— Locals confirmed today that both local
Peace Corps Volunteers are indeed white. A poll done today indicated that over
70% of the population agreed on the color of the skin tone of the volunteers,
using either Tubabu, Nasara, or le blanc or la blanche as their
descriptors.
Adama Ouedraogo stated: "I feel it is a great honor to be able to identify strangers by the tone of their skin. I am saddened to say however that the volunteers themselves don't seem to be aware of their situation."
While it seems the color of the Volunteers is now apparent, further questions do arise. It was noted that the locals had a difficulty identifying the sex of the volunteers as they used la blanche and le blanc interchangeably 90% of the time. It was also noted that being friends with a white person would undeniably grant you a trip to La France, Amerique, as well as a brand new cellphone with unlimited internet capabilities. More polls and experiments are to come this following hot season.
At press time the Volunteers gave no comments or opinions. We were able to catch a quick glimpse of them as they cruised through Dedougou stoically on their bicycles.
-Neil Richards, The Yngniam
Adama Ouedraogo stated: "I feel it is a great honor to be able to identify strangers by the tone of their skin. I am saddened to say however that the volunteers themselves don't seem to be aware of their situation."
While it seems the color of the Volunteers is now apparent, further questions do arise. It was noted that the locals had a difficulty identifying the sex of the volunteers as they used la blanche and le blanc interchangeably 90% of the time. It was also noted that being friends with a white person would undeniably grant you a trip to La France, Amerique, as well as a brand new cellphone with unlimited internet capabilities. More polls and experiments are to come this following hot season.
At press time the Volunteers gave no comments or opinions. We were able to catch a quick glimpse of them as they cruised through Dedougou stoically on their bicycles.
-Neil Richards, The Yngniam
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| Breaking News: Puppy killed by wheelchair at health clinic. Alright fine he's just napping :) |
BURKINA FASO, THE SAHEL— Today at roughly 1:30 local time
Peace Corps volunteer Ian Weyerhauser sated that he was "really
bored". Ian's closest neighbor Keitha claimed "It's mainly the hot
season right now, it's just so monotonous. There's nothing to do." While
Ian and other volunteers came prepared with over a terabyte of stolen films,
videos, music, and literature he admits there was "nothingthat could have
prepared him for this".
At press time we found Ian shirtless on his cement floor staring at his corrugated roof, a pool of sweat already forming.
This is the seventieth case in Burkina over the past few millennia. Local Peace Corps staff have expressed their concern and support for those experiencing hot season ennui by encouraging volunteers to be more integrated and involved in their community.
When asked about this both Ian and Keitha laughed replying in unison "oh Burkina" as their gazes shifted towards the blue horizon their eyes glazing over.
Paul Fowl, The Yngiam
At press time we found Ian shirtless on his cement floor staring at his corrugated roof, a pool of sweat already forming.
This is the seventieth case in Burkina over the past few millennia. Local Peace Corps staff have expressed their concern and support for those experiencing hot season ennui by encouraging volunteers to be more integrated and involved in their community.
When asked about this both Ian and Keitha laughed replying in unison "oh Burkina" as their gazes shifted towards the blue horizon their eyes glazing over.
Paul Fowl, The Yngiam
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| Sunset at the soccer field. Temperature: still 95. |
Intestinal Tract, BF — The United League of Flagellated
Protozoan Parasites (ULFPP) has forcibly occupied the small intestine of local
Peace Corps Volunteer Ryan Bearman. This controversial take over has been
contended by several members of the White Blood Cell community, resulting in
several millions being killed in what has been this seasons worst biological
war yet.
The invasion began with a clever trojan horse maneuver with the parasites hiding in an innocuous piece of toh. When asked about their military success the ULFPP responded with a deafening cheer of vibrating flagellum. Gas production in the region has increased ten fold since the occupation of the Smaller Intestine and is being touted by ULFPP as a beneficial consequence of their take over.
When asked about the situation Ryan stated that he felt violated and unjustly persecuted. "Just because they have greater numbers doesn't mean they can just walk in and claim dominance over an essential part of my being... I mean why me? What did I do?". Biological war theorist Doctor Zack Ramba was "deeply concerned" about Ryan's well being. He further stated that "aside from fighting a formidable foe, Ryan's system was already taxed by last weeks invasion of the P. vivax coalition".
Other members of the Flagellated Protozoan Parasites community expressed that it was "solely Gardia that was responsible for the annexation" and that they should not be associated with the "likes of them".
At press time Ryans stomach could be heard thundering as the war waged on. Peace talks seem improbable, instead it is more likely that a foreign anti-biotic Private Medical Contractor (PMC) will be contracted to deal with the invasion. Our prayers and sympathies go out to Ryan Bearman and all those struggling to keep him healthy.
Neil Richards, The Yngniam.
The invasion began with a clever trojan horse maneuver with the parasites hiding in an innocuous piece of toh. When asked about their military success the ULFPP responded with a deafening cheer of vibrating flagellum. Gas production in the region has increased ten fold since the occupation of the Smaller Intestine and is being touted by ULFPP as a beneficial consequence of their take over.
When asked about the situation Ryan stated that he felt violated and unjustly persecuted. "Just because they have greater numbers doesn't mean they can just walk in and claim dominance over an essential part of my being... I mean why me? What did I do?". Biological war theorist Doctor Zack Ramba was "deeply concerned" about Ryan's well being. He further stated that "aside from fighting a formidable foe, Ryan's system was already taxed by last weeks invasion of the P. vivax coalition".
Other members of the Flagellated Protozoan Parasites community expressed that it was "solely Gardia that was responsible for the annexation" and that they should not be associated with the "likes of them".
At press time Ryans stomach could be heard thundering as the war waged on. Peace talks seem improbable, instead it is more likely that a foreign anti-biotic Private Medical Contractor (PMC) will be contracted to deal with the invasion. Our prayers and sympathies go out to Ryan Bearman and all those struggling to keep him healthy.
Neil Richards, The Yngniam.
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| View from my latrine. A view I see frequently when have intestinal problems :/ I haven't had parasites yet though! |
Things have been slow at site since I got back from the states. I've talked to my friend/counterpart Ibrahim about implementing the Grassroots Soccer Malaria program at the primary schools in satellite villages (served by the health clinic in my village but 15 km into the bush). Unfortunately, he's been going to Banfora, my regional capital almost every day, so hasn't had time to help me organize anything.
On a countrywide scale, I've been in contact with Grassroots soccer and have provided them with a list of Burkina volunteers that are interested in implementing GRS programs. This list expands every week and a lot of volunteers are excited about the materials and support that GRS offers. I've also been invited to do a presentation on the GRS Malaria program at a meeting of Regional Malaria Coordinators (volunteers that facilitate the spread of malaria education materials in their regions).
I've been playing soccer every evening at site with the group of guys in the picture below. I finally decided that my desire to play soccer outweighs any concerns of sustainability as far as providing soccer balls is concerned, so I bought one before I left for the states. Apparently it broke three days after I left. (however it did last for a month). I bought another ball recently, which broke after a whopping three evenings of soccer. A neighboring volunteer was kind enough to loan me an extra American ball she had. The guys love it.
It was hard to deal with the fact that many of my friends went to the Coachella Music Festival this past weekend, especially with so many incredible bands and DJs playing. This is the first year I've known even a third of the musical artists at the festival, and I downloaded as much of the rest as I could. I've never been so obsessed with music in my life; it keeps me sane here. My friend Hallie and I have promised each other that we will be in attendance next year!
Much love from Africa :)
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